Part of the time I spend online is devoted to reading totally random stuff. Of course, I can always tell myself that I’m doing this to keep abreast of world news, while picking up ideas for the next article (which is quite true in some cases) – but I do a lot of random reading which doesn’t translate into anything but general amusemnt. Or horrified amusement. The latest kick happened while browsing through pro-ana websites and blogs.
Anyone who’s seen me knows that I’m about as far off from anorexia as the proverbial chalk is from cheese – but that still doesn’t keep me peeking into what their lifestyle is like. I stay away from sites that advocate diets – guilt conscience, anyone? – but ana sites are intriguing. Still, finding hardcore ana sites were a difficult thing for me; I kept ending up with self-righteous, “Starving yorself is wrong” sites. (And they’re right, right?)
And then I stumbled upon this rather beautiful blog. Beautiful, not because of what the writer’s trying to do – but because she is one of those genuinely gifted writers who can just find the right words at the right time.
And make Anorexia sound like God’s greatest gift to mankind, or some such thing. Here’s what she says to a comment that accuses her of setting bad examples:
While I recognize that for many many women anorexia is actually a piteous, uncontrollable disease, I openly admit that mine is a choice. I starve myself on purpose, in an effort to lose weight, in an effort to hurt myself, and sometimes to hurt those around me. This choice did not originate without its environmental stimulus. I am a full-time actress and model in television, films, and theatre. It’s my career, and it has been for over 10 years. No, I’m not an A-lister, but neither am I so unknown that I don’t take great pains to maintain my anonymity as I blog about it.
Ever since the United States was created to escape the sovereign supremacy of a monarchy, American pop-culture has cultivated its own brand of “royalty.” The masses of natural-born followers still desire model leaders and icons after which to pattern themselves. In modern times, those of us whose vocation requires us to be on display for a living have the additional responsibility of carrying that image off the screen and onto the sidewalk. We are held to these royal standards by the general American public: you the reader, the viewer, the dollar-toting “fan.”
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what sells. Beauty is admirable – humans are hard-wired that way. And in the US, “beautiful” is worth money. So yes, in a way, this is my job. I know the pain of losing a job to the girl who is five pounds thinner. Even if she’s five pounds “too thin”, she’s still thinner than me; therefore, she gets the job. In many cases, even if her talent SUCKS but her body makes tongues wag, SHE GETS THE JOB.
In show business, there is NO SUCH THING AS ‘TOO THIN.’ As long as I can work, no one actually cares how much I am or am not eating. As long as I look beautiful, I get paid. And until the world-at-large decides to stop voluntarily paying for the privilege of watching beautiful people work and play, I will continue to follow the rules set forth by generations of people who’ve come before me. I will do whatever it takes to do my job to the best of my ability.
Surely you also have a job about which you are so passionate?
All hard work comes with sacrifices. This is the life I chose, and that chose me. It’s not a selfish desire. I don’t do it to spite the unfortunate women of other countries who wish they had my opportunities. I do it to satisfy the curiosity of millions of people just like YOU who harbor that inner desire to live vicariously through the life of someone you admire.
She almost makes me want to say “Hallelujah!” and join the ana-brigade (except that I love food too much to do that). What saddened me, however, was how much of what she said actually was true as far as the entertainment industry goes. The thinner you are, the more work you get (Kareena Kapoor’s size zero, anyone?), the more people talk, the more you get paid. It really is a vicious circle. And its not just the entertainment sector – it works for other areas as well.
But the methods she uses to, er, stay in shape. Gods. Laxatives five times a day, saltwater flushes and fasting three straight days are nothing to her. This, despite the fact that she’s a full time professional, having to work hours each day – all in the public glare.
My mind is messed up when I don’t eat three proper meals – how come she’s so lucid with nothing but water, water pills and diluted cranberry juice in her sytem?
The real clincher is that she sounds so normal – like all the starving girls out there are doing the right thing – you, the normal person are the insane one. She’s this karma veerar kind of person who is on the straight and flawless path. And you almost find yourself nodding at all the things she prescribes for herself (like doing 8 miles in the gym, then having grey-outs, which are almost-fainting fits because you don’t really faint, you just come close to and then nibbling on celery sticks). I almost found myself wishing I could become one of her loving anas and have her give me a virtual hug in encouragement.
But then, I love Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut too much. And she’d probably have a fit just listening to the words.
